Stupid, stupid, stupid

So, yes, I once again opened my big mouth and told a guy that I liked him. When will I ever learn that this does NOT work! Do I have to be beaten over the head to learn not to do this??? The thing is I actually like this guy, I really think we connect. UGH, why do I torture myself like this. I am an idiot. The worst part is, he's my trainer, so I need to see him twice a week and feel stupid. Hopefully he will suffer from selective amnesia and not remember that I told him! I should just accept the fact that I suck at getting guys and give in to just being single. At least there's less stress in that! I can't reject myself! Still searching for a job, need to get out of my family's business, my stress level is beyond measure. I had a phone interview with a staffing agency and a meeting with a recruiter. Hopefully this will lead to some interviews. Both interviews are for working for a staffing coming, never done it before but I seem to be getting feedback that it is a good fit for me. So only time will tell. To make my life more stressful I have a month full of family stuff to get through. Including a trip to Las Vegas where I need to spend time with my evil sister in law for 3 days! G-d I can't wait for june. I need a week off to decompress before my head pops off! Till later.

What is lonley?

So for awhile now I've done a pretty good job at convincing myself I was happy alone, and I don't mean in the "I don't have a significant only" sense. I mean alone as in being alone, spending time by myself, a lot. Today I felt really lonely. Mostly this sadness came because I feel so detached from my family. They are a complicated bunch, but they are hurting me in a way they are unable to see only because they refuse to see it. This probably doesn't make any sense. My family are like camels, they keep their heads buried deep in the sand, anything to avoid seeing what is real. They judge because I think they are afraid of what they will see if they focus on themselves instead of keeping their focus on how others lead their lives. The saddest part is they are missing out on the fun of life. Maybe I am too. I want so hard to embrace it all and take it all in, but I feel held back. I used to blame them for holding me back, but it's me that is holding me back. Maybe that is why I don't lose this weight, maybe (as my therapist has pointed out numerous times), the extra weight is a shield to keep me from really getting out there. I want so many things I just don't know how to get them. I am so afraid of losing my family, but what scares me is they don't seem to be afraid of losing me. I think sometimes they take me, my presence forgranted. But yet, I don't pull away, no matter how many times they knock me down I keep coming back for more. I hate that about myself. I did that with my ex husband. I am so mad I never think I deserve better. I am so afraid to take chances. Like a new job, or telling someone I like them or even telling my sister in law where she can shove it. I am so afraid of making a mistake, of losing or being hurt. I just want to be brave. I have to go for a medical test on Tuesday, too many abnormal paps in the past 2 years. I've had this test before and it came back as nothing, but now I fear I won't be so lucky. Am I brave enough to deal with something that big? Till later.