Huh, part 2

I just don't get guys. So P comes to my birthday dinner (after leaving me a message that he will not be staying over, I guess no birthday sex for me), and procedes to give me a lip kiss (which I of course was not expecting, so was going for the cheek. Don't you hate those awkward kind of kisses???!!!)). He sits next to me at dinner and then gives me more lip services as he parts. What is the deal? It's called kiss the cheek when you are no longer sleeping with the girl. Even my guys friends were confused by him. I got a resounding stay away from him from all. I agree. He is too messed up. Life is too short for this bullshit. I have been enjoying the solitude of my single life but sometimes I wonder if I was not on Lexapro would it be so easy. My feelings are defintely dulled from them in the sense that things that used to overwhelm me barely make a mark now. I know that should be a good thing, but for someone who is so used to be being very emotionally aware it is odd to be so detached from how I feel. I can't explain this well enough, but I feel so much like a different person. I never thought I would really not care about ending up alone. Do I really feel that way though? Or am I so good at convincing myself so I dont' completely fall apart??? I wish I had the answer to that. I have developed quite a routine for myself and I really like it. I spend my week day nights at the gym (not that you would know it from looking at me). I eat dinner, watch tv, play on the computer, talk to friends, read and sleep. The weekends are pretty much the same. I even signed up for netflix. Saturday nights are usually the only time I get lonely. Don't get me wrong I do go out friend, but not every weekend. I've also tried out hanging out at starbucks with a book on Sunday afternoons, it was actually nice and I got a lot of reading done. What I would love to start doing is write while I'm there, but I don't have the confidence that I am good enough to actually write a novel. On a totally different topic, I think I may be developing a crush on my trainer. Sometimes I think he may feel the same, but his comes from just ending a long relationship and scared of being single. Ah, just imagine what great shape I would be in if I ended up with a trainer, plus a free gym membership, haha. Till later.

Huh?

Okay so when I last wrote P had made it clear that he was not interested in a relationship. So, I said friends with benefits is fine with me. Then I didn't hear back. Now, 2 weeks later he calls and he rsvps that he is coming to my birthday bash in Hoboken next weekend. Men are weird. I don't think I should bother trying to figure him out. Hey maybe I'll at least get sex on my birthday, haha! Can't really complain about life in general but my weight is still plaguing me. I am so sick of being fat. I have been working out hard and trying to stick to weight watchers, I hope so bad it works. I feel so scared I will be stuck looking like this and no one would ever want to be with me. I hate being so obsessed with food and what eating it means, every morsel in my mouth is filled with a million consequences and racked with guilt. It's exhausting. I just wish food was food. I wish I could have my body back pre divorce. I hate that M is still affecting me even if it is in such an indirect way. I hate that I have lost total control of my physical self. It's so frustrating and scary. What if I never lose the weight, what if I just keep getting fatter?? It is too much to even wrap my mind around. Then I feel guilt even worrying about something so trivial when my best friend's husband (also a good friend) just lost his dad. Life is just so fucked up. Till later.