Huh?

Okay so when I last wrote P had made it clear that he was not interested in a relationship. So, I said friends with benefits is fine with me. Then I didn't hear back. Now, 2 weeks later he calls and he rsvps that he is coming to my birthday bash in Hoboken next weekend. Men are weird. I don't think I should bother trying to figure him out. Hey maybe I'll at least get sex on my birthday, haha! Can't really complain about life in general but my weight is still plaguing me. I am so sick of being fat. I have been working out hard and trying to stick to weight watchers, I hope so bad it works. I feel so scared I will be stuck looking like this and no one would ever want to be with me. I hate being so obsessed with food and what eating it means, every morsel in my mouth is filled with a million consequences and racked with guilt. It's exhausting. I just wish food was food. I wish I could have my body back pre divorce. I hate that M is still affecting me even if it is in such an indirect way. I hate that I have lost total control of my physical self. It's so frustrating and scary. What if I never lose the weight, what if I just keep getting fatter?? It is too much to even wrap my mind around. Then I feel guilt even worrying about something so trivial when my best friend's husband (also a good friend) just lost his dad. Life is just so fucked up. Till later.