And the search continues...

So, I have been umemployed now for about 7 weeks. I am not freaking out yet, but I would really really like a job. I am so bored. I can't believe people voluntarily don't work. I am trying hard to enjoy the fact that at least I am unemployed during the summer, so it's like I am back in school and on summer vacation. Except I have to pay my own bills, haha. As hard as it has been to look for a new job I am so glad I took the chance and left the family business to take the risk and find my own place out there. I haven't written in so long b/c frankly my life has been pretty boring. And strangely enough, I am quite happy about that. It's weird to feel so at peace, finally. I actually decided this weekend to stop therapy for now. I feel like I am at a place in my life where I can handle things on my own, but have the courage to know if I need help I can always go back. I feel so proud that I worked hard enough on myself to reach this point. Well I will be back when I have some more stuff to tell. Till then...

I Quit!!!!

So, I did it, I quit my job. I couldn't deal with working with the fam for one more day. Except now I am unemployed, a state I have never been in before. I gave myself this week off to decompress and get myself together. On Tuesday I will look for temp work while I look for something full time. Hope it won't be too long for that to happen. All my friends have been amazing. I feel so great, so free. I am not even that scared. I even had a good date last week with A. I am going out with him again on Sunday. And, I've even lost more weight! Down 6 lbs total. Only 7 more lbs to my mini goal. Ok, time for more soaps!! Till later.

Bored

So, the job search continues. I knew I wouldn't find something right away, but I didn't think it would be this hard. I have submitted hundreds of resumes from all the online job boards and have gotten nothing! Really sucks for the morale. I mean really, am I that undesireable? Hopefully something will turn up soon because I need to shake things up. I feel so stagnant here and it doesn't help that I am barely speaking to my family. I hate how it taken over my life, it's all I think about. If it wasn't for this job/family crap life would be just fine. Single life hasn't treated me too badly, I am always busy with something and have really settled into life on my own (not that I would shoo away a cutie who wanted to spend time with me). My friends/neighbors are trying to start up a book club. I hope it works out b/c I think it could be fun and a nice way to interact with new people. I also planted gorgeous flowers on my balcony last weekend with my best friend L. I wish I knew how to post photos on this thing so I could show you all. They are so vibrant, I love sitting out there and just taking in the beauty. It's my own little garden of eden, I feel so relaxed when I am out there. Okay I'm starving. Time for lunch. Till later.

i give up

So, I really thought trainer guy was interested. Boy was I wrong. He gave me that look yesterday, you know the look, the one that reads you poor pathetic creature, I could never like you in that way. The guy will have sex with a woman who has a facial deformity, yet I repulse him (sorry I know that sounds awful, but I won't sensor my thoughts). As soon as I saw the look I pulled the lets forget about it face. And so, it has been forgotten, at least we both pretend it has been. I just can't believe I misread him so badly. I don't really buy it. My suspicion is there was so thought, but he is not contemplating getting back with his ex, who he is having dinner with this weekend. Oh well, his loss. Yet again I find myself saying that about a guy who does not want me. When will one ever want me??? Why do I even want one? Somethings gotta give here, b/c between the desperate job search, the diet that just does not work and the constant man rejection, it's just too much. Sometimes I still can't believe my life turned out this way. I made so many wrong turns. Why do I make such crappy decisions???? Till later.

To Much Stress

If I don't get a job soon I'm afraid I might explode. I have had a tension headache for no less then 2 weeks now. I haven't felt this stressed in so long. Dealing with my family is just too much for me at this point and what makes it worse is I have weekends of family crap coming up, not to mention I work with a good portion of them every freakin day! Luckily I have had some bites on the old resume, so I am hoping something will come of it. It seems I am being geared toward recruiting. Even my friends think I would be good at it. I am game for just about anything, esp a career that has a decent salary. I would love to pay that stupid amex off. Thank you ex husband and sickly dog, who turned out not to be sick at all, just staging a hunger strike to freak me out. Plus I am upset about the trainer situation. I am really convinced he feels the same way, I can't believe I really misread all the signs. I will see him tonight for the first time after the infamous text message signaling my interest. I wonder how that will go down. Hopefully not as bad as my imagination has configured. And a weird sighting this morning. As I am waiting in line to go down the stairs at the port authority, who is in front of me, P. Remember him, the 38 year old that was only looking to have fun at this stage of his life. He just started a job in the city. I didn't say hi, had bad breath from sleeping on the bus. FUnny thing was I was thinking about him this morning as I drifted off on my commuter nap. Small world. Till later.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

So, yes, I once again opened my big mouth and told a guy that I liked him. When will I ever learn that this does NOT work! Do I have to be beaten over the head to learn not to do this??? The thing is I actually like this guy, I really think we connect. UGH, why do I torture myself like this. I am an idiot. The worst part is, he's my trainer, so I need to see him twice a week and feel stupid. Hopefully he will suffer from selective amnesia and not remember that I told him! I should just accept the fact that I suck at getting guys and give in to just being single. At least there's less stress in that! I can't reject myself! Still searching for a job, need to get out of my family's business, my stress level is beyond measure. I had a phone interview with a staffing agency and a meeting with a recruiter. Hopefully this will lead to some interviews. Both interviews are for working for a staffing coming, never done it before but I seem to be getting feedback that it is a good fit for me. So only time will tell. To make my life more stressful I have a month full of family stuff to get through. Including a trip to Las Vegas where I need to spend time with my evil sister in law for 3 days! G-d I can't wait for june. I need a week off to decompress before my head pops off! Till later.

What is lonley?

So for awhile now I've done a pretty good job at convincing myself I was happy alone, and I don't mean in the "I don't have a significant only" sense. I mean alone as in being alone, spending time by myself, a lot. Today I felt really lonely. Mostly this sadness came because I feel so detached from my family. They are a complicated bunch, but they are hurting me in a way they are unable to see only because they refuse to see it. This probably doesn't make any sense. My family are like camels, they keep their heads buried deep in the sand, anything to avoid seeing what is real. They judge because I think they are afraid of what they will see if they focus on themselves instead of keeping their focus on how others lead their lives. The saddest part is they are missing out on the fun of life. Maybe I am too. I want so hard to embrace it all and take it all in, but I feel held back. I used to blame them for holding me back, but it's me that is holding me back. Maybe that is why I don't lose this weight, maybe (as my therapist has pointed out numerous times), the extra weight is a shield to keep me from really getting out there. I want so many things I just don't know how to get them. I am so afraid of losing my family, but what scares me is they don't seem to be afraid of losing me. I think sometimes they take me, my presence forgranted. But yet, I don't pull away, no matter how many times they knock me down I keep coming back for more. I hate that about myself. I did that with my ex husband. I am so mad I never think I deserve better. I am so afraid to take chances. Like a new job, or telling someone I like them or even telling my sister in law where she can shove it. I am so afraid of making a mistake, of losing or being hurt. I just want to be brave. I have to go for a medical test on Tuesday, too many abnormal paps in the past 2 years. I've had this test before and it came back as nothing, but now I fear I won't be so lucky. Am I brave enough to deal with something that big? Till later.